Being Honest

In life it’s going to be moments when nothing is going your way. You can prepare and arm yourself with tools that you feel with help you get to the next level of your development. And you still can hit a brick wall. How do you prepare for what you cannot compute?

As a system-impacted person going on my seven-year home, I hit this wall in almost every phase of my life (personally, professionally, and financially). I didn’t have a model to compare it to nor any personal history to reflect on that would have been my light house in this mental fog.

I have been extremely comfortable in the most hostile and dangerous situations and places. But I was no longer that man in those type of circumstances. I am navigating as a legit person in what my street comrades would say “civilian space”. I took the steps to assimilate. I went back to college got an AAS and BTech degree to create better career opportunities for myself. I self-published books to create independent opportunities. I was honor to get involved with different social justice initiatives to build my community stakeholder equity. And one moment in time I was engaged and became a father in the process.

Everything went left and to say I was unprepared is an understatement. I started putting pressure on myself, wallowing in self-pity like why me, and probably didn’t know I was going into a depression. I was extreme frustrated and by default started to argue way too much with my ex-fiancée who I never hardly had an argument with before. I started viewing her from a street paradigm and label her actions as being disloyal. I never took the moment out to consider she is a mother to a toddler first before my woman. I was slipping in the relationship and didn’t know how to fix it.

While my personal life was falling apart, it was being feed despair from a lack of professional opportunities. Any real man wants to pull his own weight and do all he can for his family. I started to feel like I was sold a false bill of goods from society. I prepared myself but where was the return. My excel sheet can attest to the resumes I was sending out as the different color tabs increased monthly. I didn’t feel like a winner. I was losing in an atmosphere where I had no blueprint to study. I was going deeper into frustration probably depression which would look different on me. I knew how to wear masks outwardly but my ex she saw the truth. I was falling short from the man who she fell in love with. Somewhere along the line I let my guards down to myself. I let self-doubt permeate my body. I got caught up in the why me syndrome.

I knew my discipline was slipping when I started to drink too much and didn’t keep up with my fitness regimen. I was out of character and it was all internally. I knew I had hit rock bottom and I needed to do something. I couldn’t figure out why I was carrying this level of frustration and angry. I knew it was time for a change. I did two things immediately one was completely stop drinking it wasn’t agreeing with me. The other I found a therapist. I figured I need to improve my mental health state.
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I was in a rut and I had the courage to admit it to myself and work towards getting out of it….
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